the only things that inspire me to write are either satires of things, or my unending misery or moments of impulsive anger, and with this in mind, i feel like i lost the will to even writing anymore, i'm a broken record, and hell, i've even used that as a theme for my writing as well, so what's left?  when i am a person with no new progress in life to write poems or lyrics about, and i don't feel fueled to write about extroverted topics...

i mean, i could write everyday of how i'm a human waste, that i'm a leech on society and my friends and family, that i'm lazy and lack drive and seems like i'm only existing because i don't want to not exist, otherwise i have no point in living really, but due to stubbornness, i continue each day out in habit...

my fantasies of being a renown musician is pretty much as much of a struggling idea as a turtle wanting to be an olympic runner, it's been almost a decade since i owned a guitar, and i only composed one instrumental track, and i only have a handful of other riffs figured out, and plus i've written so many lyrics impulsively about specific situations, i can't even stand looking at most of them anymore, they are mere staples of a period of time for me, i can't use them for music...

this is all very difficult, and above all things, my past delusions of "soul-mates" pretty much died a couple years ago, even so, i feel that emptiness is still there, i hate seeing other couples, i try to be happy for them, but my deep hidden envy hates it, it's selfish, but i can't help this feeling, and yet, as much as i hate seeing it, i have to see it, i have to see others happy, i have to see those couples do well, i become vicarious, so as much as i am jealous or envious, i know that they deserve the love they share, and i will just be an empty shell trying to enjoy something i'll never have, through the souls of others...

~sigh~ i miss having creativity, i was a Dungeon Master/Game Master for a Pathfinder campaign i improvised off of Rhapsody Of Fire's Enchanted Lands, but that all went to hell when one of my players got caught smoking weed by his parents, which the blame was wrongfully put on my other friend who is a co-DM for me who was planning on starting his campaign soon, but now they are not allowed to be around each other anymore  -.-

all the creativity i expressed in my campaign is now left for waste, we don't want to play without the one dude, and plus, i've been trying to co-DM his campaign, so this really kicks me hard...